Forgiveness is essential for breaking free from the bitterness and anger that harm both you and the person you are forgiving.

The Destructive Nature of Unforgiveness

And what is unforgiveness? Unforgiveness is a set of delayed emotions that consist of resentment, bitterness, hatred, hostility, anger, and fear. It consumes the heart like a cancer. When these emotions are continually replayed mentally, the resulting delayed emotions are unforgiveness. 

My Personal Story of Breaking Free from A Life Filled With Unforgiveness

Just before I was Born Again from above, I lived a life filled with unforgiveness toward so many people, leaving me in a state of brokenness. This state also fueled the fire of dwelling on the past, the pain and the people I believed caused the hurtful circumstances I was going through. 

This unintended consequence was that it also fueled the fires of unworthiness, uselessness, badness, shame, and fear, which are entirely contrary to God's beautiful love. I mention this not to condemn me or you but to bring to the realization how this can zap the life out of us in a way that only evil can win. 

Unfortunately, many Christians, even after receiving salvation, are still demanding payment from others who have deeply hurt them. However, we will never be healed until we forgive them for what we feel they owe us! In a sense, we are handcuffing or binding ourselves to that one who has hurt us. 

Forgiving To Experience God’s Love

One of my professors at Bible College, Mildred Burckley, has stated the following, which has stayed with me, and I think it needs to be noted by all of us who have suffered through complex trauma. Letting go of that anger and unforgiveness frees you from that abusive and hurtful relationship. Holding on to unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness will forever keep you connected to the abuser and painful past. When the tie is broken through forgiveness, we will free ourselves to truly feel the love of God and free that other person to receive God’s forgiveness as well. God did not say we must restore fellowship or relationship with them. We just have to forgive them!

Embracing God’s Grace and Healing Through Self-Forgiveness

On a more personal note, another area of forgiveness that took me a long time to embrace is to forgive yourself. I was in class and am so thankful to the instructor who mentioned this. I was holding on to so much baggage about how I felt God saw me when, in essence, He was waiting with open arms for me to bring all of my unforgiveness to Him! After class, while driving home, I asked God to help heal my heart from everything I was confessing to him about the things I perceived that He could not forgive me. And, the most amazing thing happened: I could feel God's loving presence as the tears rolled down my cheeks. The weight of what I carried for decades just melted away. Looking back, all I can say is Thank You, Lord! And God is no respecter of persons; what He did for me, He will also do for you! 

Moving Beyond Obligation to Heartfelt Transformational Fogiveness

Forgiveness is often considered a Christian duty. However, it can rarely be achieved when practiced as a duty. The positive, loving emotions of forgiveness that replace the delayed emotions of unforgiveness seldom flow from willful duty. Instead, they flow from a heart transformed by having experienced God’s love and forgiveness. 

[Eph 4:31-32 NLT] Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God, through Christ, has forgiven you.

Practical Steps To Forgive With Conversations, Boundaries, and Safety

To help experience and grant forgiveness, we might need to talk about the transgression with the person who hurt us. We should speak with the person about the offense we feel and ask for an explanation. Once we have taken the time to bring this to the Lord, this should be done gently. If they offer an apology or explain their side of the story in a way that seems acceptable, then forgiveness and reconciliation can take place. 

Abuse Is A Time When Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Reconciliation

However, there are times when the offense may be of an abusive nature, and at that time, you will need to bring this first to a safe person or caregiver to make sense of what happened. At this point, the goal is to keep you and your family safe, not think about forgiveness, and certainly not reconciliation. We are children of God, and we are not expected to stay in a relationship where a person is abusing us physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually, or in any other way. God certainly does not want that!

If you are in a church that promotes staying together at all costs, then PLEASE run away as fast as you can! That advice is not from God. 

Finding Support and Understanding When Struggling With Anger Towards God

Finally, if you are struggling with a situation where you are mad at God for allowing something to happen to you of an abusive nature, please, please let us come alongside you to help you through this as a ministry of presence. God cares deeply for you and will show you that through us. Also, if you feel that God is a million miles away, or if you feel isolated and you are wondering where is God's love for you, again, please, please let us come alongside you, and God will show you His love through us. You are a Miracle, and you are His Masterpiece! 

Scriptural Guidance on Forgiveness: Biblical Insights and Encouragement

[Mat 6:12 NLT] …and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.

[Mar 11:25 ESV] And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses."

[Luk 6:36-37 ESV]  Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. "Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

[Rom 12:18-19 ESV] If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."

Recommended Podcasts on Forgiveness

Listen to our podcast on Unlocking Emotional Healing where we talk about the importance of recognizing and addressing emotions, particularly anger, in a healthy way, and address assertive anger as a healthy expression of communicating. In conclusion, we discuss forgiveness within the context of a Christian perspective based on our personal experiences.

Below is an excellent podcast about forgiveness from The Bible Project. I hope you listen to this. It certainly helped me, and I know it will help you, too. 

Forgiveness