Understanding Self-Love and How To Attain It

Published on

29 July 2024

Allison Miller

Self-love can seem contrary when unhealed from trauma. Distorted definitions of self-love exist. Understanding self-love and how to attain it helps you on your journey of building resilience and experiencing genuine love for God, yourself, and others. Knowing the truth about self-love, focusing on that truth, and having friends, mentors, or coaches to help you live out that love will only help you.

In this article, we discuss understanding self-love, how to attain it, and five ways to practice self-love. Living with authentic self-love is critical for living wholeheartedly and experiencing healthy relationships.

This article is the tenth of a blog series offering practical steps rooted in Christ and biblical principles to help you build resilience and trust in God's plan. Following these steps, you'll learn to navigate life's trials with faith and confidence, leaning on Christ's everlasting support.

If you missed it, click to read Developing A Christ-Centered Mindset for A Fulfilling Life, the ninth article in this series.

If you missed it, click to read Embracing God's Promises, the eighth article in this series.

If you missed it, click to read Overcoming Doubt and Fears Through Faith, the seventh article in this series.

If you missed it, click to read Trust: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships Part Two, the sixth article in this series.

If you missed it, click to read Trust: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships, the fifth article in this series.

If you missed it, click to read Trusting God with His Plan After Trauma, the fourth article in this series.

If you missed it, click to read Trusting God, the third article in this series.

If you missed it, click to read Building A Resilient Faith: Jesus Our Model, the second article in this series.

If you missed it, click to read Understanding Biblical Resilience, the first article in this series.

Many definitions distort the Truth of love and self-love. Self-love is often viewed as getting everything you want when you want it, no matter how it might harm someone else.

But that isn't love or self-love; it is self-centered.

Some view self-love as doing everything perfectly, leaving one overly concerned about what others think of them. There is the belief that love between two people is a gushing romance with a handsome man or beautiful woman, a view of love that leaves you disillusioned. Other distortions of love can be a way out of financial problems, to fill a void of emotional neediness, or to remove the status of being single.

"Everywhere we learn that love is important, and yet we are bombarded by its failure. In the realm of the political, among the religious, in our families, and in our romantic loves, we see little indication that love informs decisions, strengthens our understanding of community, or keeps us together. This bleak picture in no way alters the nature of our longing. We still hope that love will prevail. We still believe in love's promise." -bell hooks, All About Love

Love and self-love intersect—a crossroad of the two.

As you travel the road to love, whether with a spouse, family member, or neighbor learn the Truth about love and discover how to love yourself well.

Love and self-love are not about being self-centered.

Untangling The False Narrative of Self-Love

Why do humans believe the false narrative of love and self-love?

It's pretty simple. We live in a culture that drives our beliefs. We have models who didn't know the Truth. We have experiences that distort the Truth. As humans, we truly need to connect with others. God created humans to connect, to love Him, and to love others—no matter what past wounds have transpired, we still long for love.

So, how do you get it right? How do you authentically love yourself?

The True Meaning of Biblical Self-Love

We have heard messages throughout the decades of Love God, Love Others. And that is true.

When the traumatized hear this message, it can bring unintentional harmful.

Those who have experienced trauma must hear the critical middle piece of the puzzle—love yourself as God loves you.

"So what is self-love? Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your personal well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others.

Self-love can mean something different for each person because we all have many different ways to take care of ourselves. Figuring out what self-love looks like for you as an individual is an important part of your mental health." (2)

While this is a great definition of self love, I define it as having God confidence. It all comes through your relationship with God.

How To Attain Self-Love?

Know The One Lord

"The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; 'The Lord our God is one Lord.'" -Mark 12:29

Jesus is saying, "The foremost and most crucial thing is to know the true and living God. The LORD is our God, the LORD alone, the only one! That's the foundation: knowing the true and living God. But with so many religions, how can you discern who the true God is? This step was my first when I let go of all the religion and began building my faith and relationship with God."

When you look at a egg it is an egg, yet it has three parts--the yolk, the white and the shell. The egg is far from comparison with the Lord, but it does paint a clear picture.

Father, Son and Holy Spirit are One. They all operate in unity.

Make God the Center of Your Life

Love God Above Everyone and Everything!

In Mark 12:30-32 we read the greatest command of Jesus:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'"

The same command is in Deuteronomy 6:4, 5

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength."

God wants us to love Him with every part of our being, from the top of our heads to the tips of our toes. This love for Him can happen only through knowing His love for you first!

See Yourself The Way God Sees You

The second is this: 'Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF.' There is no commandment greater than these."

When you see yourself the way God sees you, you will love yourself through His mercy, grace, and faithfulness. Jesus wants you to see yourself the way He sees you.

You were worth the price He paid to give His life and to become your Heavenly Father.

He wants you to come to Him like a child with an expectant heart.

Love Your Neighbor The Way You Love Yourself

The second is this: 'LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

If you love yourself well, you can love others well. If you struggle with criticism, rejection, or judgmentalism, you are not loving well. Invite Jesus to live in your heart and remove any blindness.

When operating from a pure heart, you can see God in others and how He works things together for your and others' good.

Ask God what He sees as pure in your heart.

Be An Instrument of Love

"No one has seen God at anytime. If we love one another, God abides in us, and his love has been perfected in us." 1 John 4:12

"God reveals Himself to the world through His frail and imperfect people by perfecting His love in them. As believers go into the world living their faith, they reveal God to everyone they meet. Their love reveals God's presence in their lives. When believers show love toward one another and to the unbelieving world, God makes Himself known, and His love is "perfected" In them. God often shows His love through His people. What does your love for others say on God's behalf?" (3)

Five Ways to Practice Self-Love

Talk to Yourself Aloud or Silently the Way Jesus Talks to You
Work Step by Step on Becoming the Person You Aspire to Be
Give Yourself The Gift of Saying No, Even When It Seems Counter-Intuitive
Surround Yourself With People Who Genuinely Love You
Be Grateful To God For His Love, Your Freedom, & His Plan

Five Foundational Scriptures to Help You Understand Love & Self-Love

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." -John 13:34,35 NKJV

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. -John 15:12, 13 NKJV

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not lobe does not know God, because God is love. -1 John 4

"No one has seen God at anytime. If we love one another, God abides in us, and his love has been perfected in us." -1 John 4:12

In conclusion, understanding and practicing true love and self-love is essential for a fulfilling life. Many misconceptions distort our views on love, leading us to believe it’s about selfish desires, perfection, or superficial relationships. However, genuine love, as described in the Bible, is far deeper and more meaningful. It’s about knowing God, loving Him with all your heart, and seeing yourself as He sees you. By embracing this truth, you can love yourself and others well, embodying God’s love in your actions. As you journey through life, let the wisdom of Scripture guide you in practicing self-love that honors God and enriches your relationships. Remember, self-love is not self-centeredness; it’s about valuing yourself as God does and sharing that love with the world.

In our next article, we discuss Overcoming Obstacles With Grace.

At Destined for Glory, we are committed to walking with you on your healing journey and helping you see yourself through God's eyes, walk the talk, and triumph over trauma. You are beloved, valuable, whole, and courageous in His sight. Trust in His plan and find peace in His presence, knowing He is always with you, ready to heal and restore your heart, mind, soul, and body.

If you are not a victim of trauma but know someone who is, you can play a crucial role in their healing journey. Offer a listening ear and validate their experiences without judgment. Please encourage them to seek professional counseling and spiritual support. Please educate yourself about trauma to understand their struggles and needs better. Be patient and compassionate, offering practical help, such as accompanying them to appointments or providing a safe space to talk. Above all, pray for them and remind them of God's unwavering love and presence in their lives. Your support can significantly impact their path to healing and restoration.

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