00:00:03.000 Once again, hi, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Gerard. This is Allison. And we're here today and we just want to go actually our topic will be emotional abuse and there's so much to the subject and we had a great meeting prior to this podcast and we're going to have a series of dealing with emotional abuse. There's so many layers of it and so many dimensions to it.

00:00:27.000 But as we start out, I want to give a definition from an ACE study with which is really a versatile experiences. And it's the emotional abuse when they put in this particular study is that it's apparent stepparent or adult living in your home with swore to insulted you. Or put you down or acted in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt. Now, that's a broad definition of it. But we just wanted to start with that.

00:00:57.000 And as we're moving forward with this particular podcast, we're going to give an outline of some of the common things that are part of part of the emotional abuse as well. And as we move through this series, we are also going to interject some of our personal experiences with this as well. And I know that many of you have the same thing out there. And I think prior to starting, in relationships you know, you may be doing it without really knowing that you're doing it or receiving it.

00:01:32.000 It's just you may not understand the type of abuse that it is. Sometimes we're not bad people. We just do things. We make mistakes and we do things that may be unintentional. And we'll start out with that. But again, we'll get deeper into what people actually do this intentionally. And that's just a very serious thing. And it's a part of our degrading of the other person as part of the relationship.

00:02:01.000 And or it could be friend or a coworker or anybody else at your in relationship with, and as we're just going to just point out a couple of common examples, I'm going to list a few of them. And what's his name calling patronizing, character assassination, which are you statements? And you statements are very damaging. When you're putting when you're blaming somebody, you're saying, you, you, you, these are ways where you can make them very defensive.

00:02:31.000 And we can sit belittling accomplishments yelling, pushing the person's buttons, knowing what makes them angry or what can just trigger something. That's another thing I'm pushing buttons in the dismissiveness. And it's sometimes this is a big thing too, is joking. You might be intentionally saying something more of a in something where you just want to get your point across, but you're saying in a joking manner.

00:03:02.000 That's really hiding what your true feelings are for that person. And that can hurt that can hurt the other person very much. And just three more that I'll mention, public embarrassment of talking about them in front of other people in a group of people while you're together and you're saying something you know above them to the other people, which is, again, very damaging. Insults about appearances and another one is sarcasm. That's a huge, huge component to what is damaging within relationships.

00:03:33.000 Again, we're not perfect, we can do these things unintentionally, but when you see a pattern here, it's really something that you really have to address the issues. So do you have any thoughts on? Yeah, I'm just going to add to what Gerard has already said. Just thoughts that have come to my mind as he's talking about this. You know, I think we all are in some form of a relationship like.

00:04:00.000 He said, whether it's your you know whether it's parenting, whether it's friendships, whether it's business relationships, whether it's you know parent child, whatever it is, and as he said, too, some of us can be verbally and emotionally abusive without even knowing it. And I think a lot of us are in relationships that has a level of verbal and emotional abuse involved in them without the recognition of even understanding that maybe that's why there's conflict.

00:04:34.000 Maybe that's why you don't feel good inside. Maybe that's why you feel like you're being punished almost because it can feel very punishing and it can be purposely to punish, but you know what we are sharing today with just these very common examples is just to give you kind of an overall of what that looks like in your relationship. You may not even know that it's present.

00:05:06.000 And we just want you to know that there are and these are just kind of touching the tip of the iceberg. They go in a much deeper level and as George said, we're going to share more about that throughout this series that we're going to do on verbal and emotional abuse. But we both had our own experiences and our hearts are to help people understand because I think we both shared that when you're in the middle of it, you don't really recognize what's going on.

00:05:38.000 So yeah, we just want to talk to you about that and give you those common examples and share and share some of our own personal experiences in that. You know, as you're in a relationship, it can be difficult because as we talked many times before, you're bringing things into each of you are bringing things into a relationship.

00:06:01.000 And when we've discussed this so many times and even prior to this podcast, we had a great discussion about the memory about how when we're growing up, our parents only mirror what they saw within their parents. And we just go back to the dynamic of how God created it. God, in some one 39 gods you know, really, it's mentioned that God makes us unique. And he just formed us in our mothers.

00:06:30.000 And he put in gifts and talents and temperaments. For each of us to work with the other person. And that being said, our weaknesses are bolstered by other people's strengths, meaning that they come in and strengthen us in areas where we need it. And we do the same for others. So really, it's all about rising up. And that's the thing with the temperaments.

00:06:54.000 And when you're dealing with the learned environment as when you're growing up, we were discussing and so much within the body and Christ and really just in psychology and psychiatry, it's just when you are growing up, and then you're dealing with not a loving nature from your parents. Again, it's mirroring. So they don't know how to do it. Without learning and buying it, you're just learning to buy them.

00:07:24.000 Excuse me, you're becoming a person that was unintended for you to be. You're coming into a place where you're looking at things like we were talking about, movies, how you're going to into relationships, who you have a relationship with, for me, growing up, I was I felt more worthless and shame and powerlessness based on what I was feeling from and how can I say it.

00:07:55.000 Part of the learning environment of my growing up. And again, as I said, this a thousand times before, it's not condemnation. It's understanding. And we want to shout from the rooftops to everybody within years of our voice. It doesn't just have to be the body of Christ. It's everyone. People just don't know this. They're out there, and they're just dealing with everyday lives, dealing with relationships that are subpar, that God never intended us to be a part of or be or to go through this.

00:08:30.000 So why I say all this is because this is where it starts. When we look at abuse in any form, we're going to go back to what triggers us to be in a relationship or why each of us might partake in us. And we have to be stay within the eye. So as we were discussing, we have to be the best person that we can be, the best me. In order to do that, it takes work.

00:08:58.000 Like anything that's that brings satisfaction. It takes work to do that. And so this work is so beneficial. It just will change your life. I know that we have and we continually go through this every day. But because we're doing this, because we're learning different things each and every day, just remember it's one step at a time. But it brings us to a much, much healthier place to be. And that's what God intended us to be.

00:09:29.000 So we can help each other within a relationship. And we know everybody will have weaknesses and strength, but you don't look at that. You're not judging. You just staying within me and trying to bring the love of Christ to them and work with them. Each doing that for the other. Right. Yeah. I want to go back to what you were saying about you know the definition of it and how it's you know kind of forms and shapes our way of thinking and about ourselves.

00:09:58.000 And so my personal experience, and again, I just have to reiterate this every time there's no blame toward anyone. This is just what happens in life through the generations. If one person is doing something a certain way, the child learns and the child mirrors the very same thing. And they think they're doing that right. Okay? And so it's not that there's any form of blame here at all.

00:10:25.000 It's recognition of, hey, this is happening, and we would like to put our stake in the ground and help you put your stake in the ground to stop this in your life. But just name calling as an example you know. When you're a child, if someone called if a parent you know, called you a name, or you took on a label as being someone who you clearly were not designed to be. For me, I was a kindergarten dropout.

00:10:56.000 And it really made me feel that I wasn't smart because I didn't go to kindergarten. And it started clearly. I mean, you go to kindergarten when you're 5 years old. And so you know it all started with not going to kindergarten because there was an issue at kindergarten with someone bothering me. But I didn't know how to express that. And my expression was is that I had a stomach ache.

00:11:26.000 I must have had a stomach ache several times. Because we came to the point where you know it's either go to kindergarten today or you don't go back. And it really carried it was a heavy burden. It was a heavy weight. For most of my life, but the beautiful part about it is understanding and realizing that you know I am not stupid or dumb because I didn't go to kindergarten and there are all kinds of people in the world who have been very successful.

00:12:01.000 To be able to do anything they want to that God has given them the man to do. And so and that's just one example, name calling, labeling, and then fear. I just want to talk about fear a little bit as an example. Is that okay? Can I tell them that? You know, you may be thinking that you're doing the right thing when you're talking to your children.

00:12:31.000 And making them feel like you're going to, okay, I'm going to knock you into tomorrow as an example. You know, young child doesn't understand what that means. The only thing in their mind is they're here today and they're going to get knocked somewhere. And so it creates a fear to be able to be who you are, I think, to be able to express what you need to express. And you learn just not to say anything.

00:13:02.000 So those things carry forward in your life. They carry forward in your relationships. They carry forward and how you respond in your relationships and what types of relationships that you really allow yourself to be in before before you do the work.

00:13:22.000 One thing, just to bring something that you mentioned, too, this is based on the mirroring aspect that I talked about, but your time going through kindergarten and you know because you had something that was there, fear of going into the classroom. That's where as a parent, if you can see that this behavior there, but it's something underlying that causes that.

00:13:54.000 This is what we're talking about. There's something always underlying the behavior aspect of it. Yeah. And this comes full circle when we're talking about verbal and emotional abuse and we'll be talking about other abuses as well. Physical sexual and things of that nature. But it's so wonderful to be able to break it down and understand what it truly is about. And as an individual, once you learn that, you can recognize it.

00:14:23.000 And you know you can do one of two things you can either help the other person. Excuse me, help the other person, or you can separate yourself from a dysfunctional relationship. And that's just as important in a lot of times because we have to be whole and in order to do that, we can't be drained. We can't continue being in a relationship where you're doing a work of two people. You have to be doing it for yourself and the other person has to do it too.

00:14:53.000 And that's really when they do that. It's all about respect for one another. And that's something where you learn to buy them at you, you may learn or you may not learn, but as you come together, you work together, you understand what we're describing here. And going into a deeper level of understanding of how to change the situation, you have a better understanding of who you are, and again, it's all about being the best me that we can be not only for ourselves, but to help the person in a relationship.

00:15:24.000 Yeah. Yeah. And I think as you go through that process of becoming the best way that you can be, I think you realize, hey, you know, I probably said a lot of things myself that have been considered emotionally abusive or verbally abusive towards someone unintentionally. And so it gives you that heart of understanding that well, you did that, not out of premeditated. I'm going to do this to make that person hurt.

00:15:51.000 But out of just whatever came to your mind and not being able to, I guess, my word is managed, not be able to manage that. My thought came, my words came instead of just letting that resonate in my thoughts. But yeah, I think that it's a very important thing for us to look at in that aspect. Sure.

00:16:20.000 And when you come to grips with being the best you can be you know, the best. You can be vulnerable. And if you make a mistake, and then you realize that that's the key is when you're in understanding, you realize, uh oh, I just did something that hurt the other person or wasn't, you know, wedding intended to do, but I did it. You can be vulnerable. And just say, I'm sorry. Do you know what it's like when somebody does that? You're diffusing the situation at kine escalator.

00:16:49.000 It's just really out of love. It's the love. You have for the other person or whatever relationship it is, but to be vulnerable is key to really having the other person truly embrace your sensitivity, your love, and as I said before, people don't care how much you know it's about how does it say how much you know it is about, how much you care. How much you care. And that's the key. So I'm sorry.

00:17:17.000 I didn't do that justice, but it's really true. They want to see that you truly care for them. And people, people really look at you and they have this way of looking at your intentions, they look at your non verbal and your vertical cues, and when they see that from a heartfelt level that you made a mistake, 9 times out of ten, people are going to embrace that and say, okay, it's okay. And then go on from there.

00:17:46.000 And that's something, again, you can only do that for yourself. And you want to do it for others, but once you can be vulnerable, that just makes a huge difference in the relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Being able to what we talked about this a few minutes ago, having compassion for that person. So when you're vulnerable, if something happens, then you're vulnerable, and there is compassion involved in what that person experienced or felt, and your apologizing for that, out of a sincere heart.

00:18:21.000 That's a key word sincere. Yeah. Not just because somebody says that's what you need to do. Because that person is going to know if you are sincere about it. And you also will know that and be able to live that out from a genuine place. Versus just going right back to what you were doing again. You're going to do you're going to do an inward search. You're going to go you know. What did I just say or what did I just you know what was that joke really meaning?

00:18:52.000 Did I do that to hurt that person or did I just was that pure innocence you know? And so yeah. Yeah. But those are things you have to think about within a relationship and relationships aren't easy. It's a work. And it really, but if you love and respect the person and you truly cherish them, you will do the work to make sure that it's a very healthy relationship. And how many of us want the healthy relationships? Thank you.

00:19:23.000 So again, as we continue with the series, we're going to go into a deeper ways of how destructive emotional and verbal abuse can be. But on an overall sense of you know, for the average person, again, mirroring is the key to really getting understanding of not only will you came from or where the other person came from as well.

00:19:46.000 We would discuss in this prior that when we each looked at how our lives had turned out and what had happened when we were younger, to where we are now, and where we're you know when we came to know the lord, all of that was really based on learn to bind and we brought so much into relationships and one of the things for me was that I felt unworthy of love. And again, no blame. It's just the way I felt.

00:20:16.000 And I never really, truly experienced it because they never really understood how to display it in a way that we would be embracing. And again, God has a specific pattern and design that's just beautiful. And if that's what happens with the font where in the following world, so we each have to do our part to help each other to become the better person. I agree. Yeah.

00:20:43.000 And I mean, I think my whole thing was just not feeling worthy of someone loving me that because I really didn't understand the fullness of what that was. And taking that back to the design that God has created us in and knowing our temperaments and I can just say from my own experience that my heart is for all parents to really understand their children.

00:21:14.000 That they're raising right now, to understand their temperament. Wherever you I mean, we can offer that for you, or you can get it somewhere else, but to really have your child tested, to know what their how God wired them. So that you know how to interact with them in a better way.

00:21:37.000 And they can start understanding themselves in a better way because all of these things that we've talked about that are very common examples of a verbal and emotional abuse come because number one, yes, mirroring it's what it's a learned from a learned environment. It's what people have learned to do when they don't know anything different, but number two, it's from our lack of knowledge and understanding that there is a different way.

00:22:06.000 And we can do things to help one another, help our children help our you know anybody coming to us or that we're coming to sign to help them to understand themselves better. So we don't have to go there. We don't have to be that, but because there is so much of it, there are ways to work through it. And overcome it. I love how you brought temperaments. And into the mix because that's really a huge component of it too.

00:22:36.000 Again, God has placed that within each of us. And when we know each other's temperaments, boy, that makes a big difference as well, because as you were saying, we get to know each other. And we can understand how the other person behaves, not based on what our perception is, but understanding how God made the other person. And again, it's not a bad thing. It's just, we're different. And that's awesome. We're all different.

00:23:02.000 And I think that God has a terrific design for us, but to be able to understand the temperament is another big, big key to helping each other within the relationships and to helping yourself, and the other person, again, be the best me that we can be. So I love that you brought that in. Thank you. Yeah. It was great. Yeah. It really helped me in my own life. To understand myself better. And even you know even my own flaws, I mean, it helped me to see what my strengths and weaknesses are.

00:23:34.000 And where I can improve and where I can run with my strengths. And I've just I remember the first time I found out about it, I just was so excited because I was like, oh, that's why I made the decisions I made from that particular temperament. Again, and this is why I like to do this, instead of doing other things. Some people as we talked about before are very engaging, open. Others are more just there.

00:24:04.000 I guess I'd like to be more private and then in a social interactions and then you have your inclusion. And then you have your deep affection. And that's another big thing that is part of this the mix that we're talking about here today. As far as from a scriptural point of view, we know that how Jesus has really shown us through his life, how to really help other people.

00:24:33.000 And again, Jesus doesn't expect us to be perfect. And that's what we're so blessed that he was perfect for us. But we can improve. We do not, he does not want us to say where we are. We want us to move up, and we're the light of the world. And so we're going to move forward in a way that we just help other people show the love of Christ working through us. Do you have any thoughts? I was trying to think of that quote that you told last week.

00:25:03.000 I think you said it last week or else we were on a phone conversation and you said it about. Okay. Yeah, Jesus, it was a great quote. The I really loved it too. I expect more failure from you than you do for yourself. Love Jesus. So again, it's impossible for us to be perfect. But we have the strength of Christ in us to really be better people because we just have to get out of the way.

00:25:34.000 Yeah. He can certainly help us with that. And that's the other thing too. We can also help us with when we're dealing with the child that got through from a defensive posture, you get through what they had to go through at the time and brought it into adulthood. He can bring us back to that area that child and he could help heal that within us. And so that is just an amazing part of this whole process as well. Yeah. Yeah.

00:26:02.000 I mean, you're going to experience things in your life that are going to be a moment in time where it's like, oh you know, this is this is really hurting me. I don't know what to do with this. I don't know why this is hurting me, but if you step back and you go you know, what really happened here and what can I do to understand this and then how can I love myself through this? Because there's so many things that we didn't get the love and nurturing from that we went through before.

00:26:34.000 And so we have to learn how to love that child that we were. So that we can come through that and be healthier. That's a great point to love the child. And we have to go back to it. We have to go back to a little child and help them to know that they're not alone now. Jesus comes in and helps us to deal with all this. And again, it's just, it just enhances our ability to really have successful relationships.

00:27:04.000 It's a big picture that we're painting here. There's a lot of components to it, but once you want to really understand it, do the work and really just embrace what the Lloyd can do for us. And then through us. And then what we are supposed to do from that point and it's not anything for work, it's just that we are here as his hands and feet and to show the love of him through us to anybody who is in need of it. That's right. Right.

00:27:34.000 And you know I just got to go back to you know the whole reason that we're doing this is we've been through it. We understand it. We want other people to get free from it. We're free from it now. We want other people to have that. We know that a big, the most major part of that was through us funding our sense of worth, and Jesus.

00:28:03.000 And then the other aspect of this whole thing that we're doing, which I think is so amazing is how God designed our brain. For it to be able to all these old ways of thinking that we have are all these old things that we've learned, how he can transform all of that way of thinking. And that our brains actually, the neuroplasticity. Is that how you say that? Yeah.

00:28:32.000 Just how amazing it is that all that stuff can truly go away and we don't have to behave out of that anymore and we can find healthier relationships and live from a whole heart. And that's what we want for everyone. Yeah. Well, I just want to you know thank you for joining us. We do appreciate this every week. We just love doing it.

00:28:57.000 And we want to make sure that if there's anything that you'd like to us to go in on with this particular series, if you could just email us to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it., that would be great. What else do you want to bring into the next week? Well, one other well. I was just going to talk a little bit about what we're going to talk about next week. But if you want, if there's something else before we do that.

00:29:27.000 Yeah, I think something is just I just want to explain this to we have a very tough time as individuals to forgive ourselves. We may forgive other people, but truly we don't forgive ourselves. And we can't receive the love of Christ because of that. We have to embrace that we are his we are individuals created by God. Everyone in the world is created by God, whether you believe that or not, that's the truth.

00:29:58.000 And when you're dealing with the relationships, if you're not forgiven yourselves, that's just that's just adding fuel to the fire when it comes to ways that you will react or ways that you will display some of the abuses that we're talking about because you're unforgiving a good self. And you're very judgmental and hard on yourself. You really have to and this comes with work as well to really be self compassionate, have the self love, and this is really just embracing God's love for us.

00:30:33.000 God is not made anybody to be a dud. We're all here, and we're really made by God to prosper and make a difference in this world. And when you're in the worldview and you're not really understanding or bracing that, that can be very difficult. But when you really, truly embrace this and understand it, this is another dynamic that helps with the relationships and to really be you know the interpersonal relationships that this is a need to component to make them healthy.

00:31:03.000 And so I just wanted to bring that. Yeah, and I'm glad you did because you know forgiveness is a daily thing, I think you know. When you know a lot of people will make you think that you just forgive and forget. And it doesn't quite work that way. As much as we would like for it to work that way, and so it is an ongoing thing, but especially it is, like you said, much easier to forgive others than it is ourselves, and we don't even realize that we're not forgiving ourselves.

00:31:33.000 And the harder we are on ourselves, the harder we're going to be in our relationships and with other people. And I think it's important for us to realize that you know we're human beings. And I guess I've heard it described before. We're like an onion. And as you peel the onion back you know, the onion can sit there and you don't smell anything. But as you peel the layers of the onion back, you begin to smell the onion.

00:32:01.000 And so there are things in us that for us to be able to work on for us to forgive ourselves for for us to change because we want to be the best version of ourselves. And for ourselves and for our loved ones. And our relationships. Yeah, that's true. One thing you mentioned too is judgmental. So if we're really harming ourselves and judgmental ourselves, what's that going to happen? What's going to happen with that?

00:32:30.000 That's going to be projected to the person in your relationship with and the others around you. So again, forgiveness is key, and I love telling you to describe what you just did. And I think that to be healthy, there's so much to it, but it's awesome. God made us to be just, we are his men. Each of us are his masterpiece. And it's the truth. And sometimes we don't feel that. We get caught up in our own inadequate Ness, I guess.

00:32:59.000 And we do that. And that's not good. It's not healthy. We are made in God's image and we are truly loved by God. And he created everything, spiritual, and physical. And so we were just blessed for it. And I know when I think one of the biggest things too is praise and Thanksgiving for all that we have as well. And not to compare oneself to another, but just to embrace how wonderful we are in Christ and who we are with him, and in him.

00:33:30.000 And we belong with him, as I said before, and we've talked about as well. And so these are the things that we just want to give you food for thought as we move forward with into the other areas of abuse. And again, emotional abuse would delve deeper into that or areas that are more evil. I guess that would be the best word to use for it. So what else would you like to say about that? No. I mean, just that we're going to bring this.

00:34:00.000 This is going to be a series. And because there is so much content and we really want to get the message across because we see so many hurting people. And we know that hurting people hurt people. And we know that we used to be those people too. And so we want to just bring that forward for what we've learned. And I think next week we're going to talk more about power and control in relationships.

00:34:32.000 And what that looks like. Sure. And we're also talking. I think we're bringing a bit more about you know gaslighting. Yes. And you know there's so much to it. Again, we're here and we just want to shout it from the rooftops because it's trauma awareness in the church and really in the world yeah. And so we're here to help. And we just, this is our heart. It's all I can say.

00:34:58.000 We can sit there and Allison and I prior to our podcast. We have conversations that go deep and long because it's just such something that's on our heart that we really truly want to share with the world and that's what God has put on our hearts to do. Right. So what we decided to do with that, those conversations. We decided that what we would like to do is share those conversations with you. Through a blog.

00:35:27.000 So we're going to start putting those conversations together. Through a blog on our website, nomad using dot org. So that you just have a little bit more information and a little bit more insight into what we're thinking and what we're talking about and why we're doing it. Oh, I love that idea. And that's just going to help have more content for you to be able to embrace read you know. Again, it's the me too. Again, we've been there. We understand it.

00:35:56.000 And we do know what you were going through. Not every single situation, but we know what it's like to be broken. And we certainly understand it. And we certainly understand what it's like to have you know the lack of love you know. Feeling not worthy enough, shame, lack of attachment pain, powerlessness. We've been there. And one thing you said is so true, it's a daily, a daily walk. Each and every day. Yeah.

00:36:25.000 And I would like to share that it's so important to understand that we believe that wherever you are in your life right now, if you're experiencing this in your life, if you're at work, if you're you know whether it's through a business relationship or a friendship or a marriage relationship, that we're not telling you these things to just have you abruptly say, okay, that's what's happening in my life.

00:36:55.000 And so this is over. We're not telling you that. We're telling you so that you can understand what's really going on and we would love for you to listen to the whole series because we believe that you can heal from it. And we believe that there are relationships that can be reconciled through this. There's a process for that. And it involves two people.

00:37:21.000 Taking the steps to do that, but we just want you to understand that what we're sharing is not to tear anything down what we're sharing is to try to help you to build up what you really truly have that's valuable in your life. And like anything else in life, when you're looking to do something, it might be work to be able to achieve that goal or that whatever it is you're wanting to do, whether it's your career or whatever.

00:37:50.000 It's all it takes work to become better and what you're doing. And this is the same thing with relationships. So we really understand that the work involved in it is important to be able to come to the other side and just a way that once you complete it and walk through it, it's just really exciting to be there. It's an investment in yourself. It is. Great, great way to put it. Yeah. Thank you. You invest in many other things.

00:38:19.000 Why not invest in yourself? Right. It's so true. You're at the center of all those other things. Just a great time. And life is just a vapor. We're here for such a short period of time. So let's learn to embrace and enjoy each other. And enjoy your relationships that you're in. Enjoy the people around you. Enjoy your family. The work will happen. And once you do that, it's just so much better. Right. And thank you all so much for today. Did you have anything else you wanted?

00:38:49.000 No, I think I'm okay for today, and again, we'll as we talked about, we brought a lot into it. So hopefully you can digest it, but just take your time. It's all one day at a time. And that's it. Yeah, I think we'll be on vacation next week. Yes, that's great. So we won't be putting a podcast out next week, but we will the following weeks. So yeah. Well, thank you very much for joining. Again, any correspondence at milmacmusings@Gmail dot com. And thank you so much for being with us. Yeah.

00:39:19.000 And have a blessed week. Yes. God bless you. Thank you.