00:00:00.000 Hi, everyone. As we always mentioned, my name is Gerard, and this is Alison. And we're here today and we're going to be just discussing there was something that came up that somebody who listened to the podcast had mentioned. We mentioned this a couple of episodes ago, and they were talking about parental discipline. So we're going to start with that. And we're going to end with a story from doctor Perry that goes deeper into some other items that somewhat related to that as well. So I'm just going to hand it over to Alison. Well, thank you.

00:00:30.000 Well, last week, we talked about sexual abuse and the trauma of sexual abuse and how it affects us as children and kind of the things that we go through. And because we had that request to talk about kind of the challenges that we face as parents, when we have children who have possibly been sexually abused or bullied or really anything, this is really about raising our children better.

00:01:00.000 And being in touch with our children. Some of the things that I felt like were very important would have been very important for me as a younger child would have been very important for me to know as a younger mother to be able to help my own children who have gone through their own difficulties. Would be to it's kind of a, I guess, a three. Legged stool.

00:01:32.000 To really try to connect with my child, to do that, I have to be a safe person. I have to be a safe place for my child to go. When they're throwing a tantrum, I have to be the one that goes over them and is putting my arms around them and telling them that I love them, and I know there's something wrong. And I want to help them. I have to be accepting and understanding of where they are.

00:02:00.000 And I have to really try to help them to understand what they're going through. So I guess you would call that reasoning with them. But relating with your child, you know, one of the things that Girard and I were talking about earlier, which I think is so important is when you have children, you want your children to come to you with their questions about everything.

00:02:34.000 Of course, they're going to learn things from other people, but you want to be that person that they come to that you can help them understand what's real, what's true and what's not. Because they're going to hear all kinds of things. And they're going to take that on as truth, something that's not real. That's a great point. Yeah. So I'm just going to try to get here.

00:03:03.000 Is that this doesn't mean you have to be perfect? That's the biggest thing too. And this is for every parent, depending on the ages you can be a young parents you know, parents that are more into the middle age. So all that through that spectrum again, it's just all about what Alan's is saying. It's just to really understand your child and to be that safe place as she mentioned. That's so important and to just put yourself in their shoes if they can see that you're being the person that they need to talk to, that they want to talk to.

00:03:38.000 And not everybody wants to talk to, they come out in some way to be maybe they're just come out saying, we're screaming or something that's just a kind of out of the norm or whatever the case may be. But instead of taking offense at having a bad behavior, as being part of it, just to understand that being there for them and just trying to help them. Because usually that's just a part of the unprocessed emotion that they're dealing with at that time.

00:04:07.000 Yeah, it's really a sign to you that something's going on with them. And it's not always that you have this you know. We're all different temperaments. We've talked about the different temperaments. And we all handle things in different ways. But we also have experiences in our lives from birth or in utero up until wherever we are right now. And we deal with things in a way that are based on that wiring and based on those events that we've had in our life, whether they're good or whether they're not.

00:04:40.000 And if we can just look at those situations with our children and see them as, hey, I'm calling for help. It's not that you have a bad short child or that you have a difficult child or that you have the one that's you know labeling when we talk about that too. And so you know I think those things, when we start labeling our children like that, they begin to think that way about it. They do.

00:05:09.000 And then there goes all those laws in their head about who they are. And so I think you know for me, as a parent, having had children that have experienced difficulty. Extreme trauma. And also having experienced it myself and Gerard has experienced it also, having a safe place for your children, being that person, that wraps your arms around them and loves them.

00:05:46.000 I mean, I'm talking embracing and holding them and loving them and soothing them. And connecting with them because if we can't connect with them as a safe person for one thing, we're not going to be able to do it for anything. Oh, that's true you know. Allison, just to follow up on one thing, too. When you as a parent are dealing with your child who's going through something, we have to remember that in order to calm your charge, you have to be calm.

00:06:18.000 So we have to work within ourselves, too. And it's all wonderful. It's not something that's burdensome hard work. It just helps us to understand how to actually have joy when you're raising your children that you understand that the closeness that comes about from being having that type of part of the relationship is Allison mentioned soothing, hugging, and when they go through everybody goes through trauma, some complex and others as just one off or whatever the case may be, but to understand that is so important.

00:06:53.000 And once you understand your child's behavior that there's something underneath it, I can't you know emphasize that enough that there's something underneath. And once we see that, we can truly, as Alison mentioned, just understand that they're at a certain age that may not be age related. So if they're 7, they may be acting like 5 or whatever the case may be. But it could be from bullying or many other forms of trauma.

00:07:22.000 And it just really, when you're thinking those terms, then it's just so much healthier for the relationship because you're coming at it from a place of wanting to find out what the issue is and what's underneath. To show you love, it's all about love. Excuse me. Right. Yeah. I just want to add on to what you said about you know none of us are perfect. We're not coming at this from I mean, I made so many mistakes as a parent and it's the only reason I can sit here and say, hey, there is a better way. And I do have four grandchildren now.

00:07:52.000 And so I've gotten to experience you know a different form of parenting, more positive form of parenting. With them, our grandparenting. And seeing the result of that and watching my children do the same thing with their children. And it has just been a beautiful thing to see how your children can blossom that they're always going to have issues and they're going to have tantrums and they're going to have something going on. And so like you said, it is it is definitely.

00:08:25.000 It's a very hard thing because we're human to keep your composure. But as far as facing challenges with your children, if you're if you're trying to discipline or if you're trying to relate with them or reason with them, the most important thing you can do is keep yourself calm.

00:08:50.000 Children aren't going to want to talk to somebody that's yelling at them or angry with them or belittling them. So it's extremely important to make sure so that you can have that connection because they need to feel accepted and love. Exactly. And I also just to add to that just a little bit further.

00:09:14.000 As we understand, it was a generational thing that comes down because people in the past just haven't seen how to handle these things correctly. And they're dealing with trauma. So that's just something I want to add in there as well. Oh, I love it because it's so powerful. I mean, it's so true yeah. You know, if you don't have the right role model, if you didn't have somebody in your life teaching you how to really nurture and care for your children and interact with them with them, raising with them.

00:09:43.000 The new can't do it if you don't you know if you didn't have that unless you've done you know a lot of research and a lot of work to try to be able to do that. But typically, it comes down through the generations. It's just one of those things that happens. We do what we see, not what we hear, not what we're told to do. We do what we see. We model that. So when I say model, I'm saying it's kind of like that old monkey see monkey do.

00:10:17.000 So yeah, I think it's extremely important for us to understand as parents that our children are watching us. And the way that we interact, not just with them, but you know you have a significant other. You have a spouse, you have a friend, whoever it is, they're watching how you do that with them, and they're learning from you.

00:10:42.000 Well, what we're trying to do here is just trying to bring all of this together from the past episodes and certain snippets and again, it's just the parental challenges that we face, it can be overwhelming based on looking at all the negativity from the worldview from other things that are out there.

00:11:01.000 But this is really something that's going to help you and you know everybody who's involved in me, Allison, and you know I think the most important thing is it's going to help compare down a future generation away from us because we're helping our children to really grasp the true meaning of what a parent is supposed to be. Again, it's not about being perfect. And that's the biggest thing. I can't say that enough because so many people you know, how many people wake up at 2 o'clock in the morning and say, I'm not the best parent.

00:11:33.000 I'm not the best. I'm not the best at that. It's not about that. It's just being there and doing the best you can and just if your child needs you, just be there. That's all you can do. And I know this life is busy. But what's most important? That's the key to just try to relax, calm down, sit down, and just the joy of helping your child is so it will be present there. And that's just that's what helps you with child wearing.

00:12:04.000 What you just said, I mean, I feel like I'm noted it to be true. You're giving them a foundation. And setting them up to thrive in their lives in relationships versus not. Right. That's a great point about thriving in your relationships. That's really what healthy relationships, what comes from that. You can because the children know, they feel that they grew up in a great safe environment. So they can take that and they can understand. And they can be with people and just be themselves.

00:12:34.000 And that's the key. Be yourself. Be the way God made you. I mean, we're all here for interpersonal relationships. And it's just so wonderful. And as we go forward, we're going to you know after Alison speaks a bit more of that. We're going to talk about doctor Perry in a story to this kind of related to that. And so do you have any questions or anything that anything else you'd like to talk about for that? No, I think we touched on reasoning, right?

00:13:01.000 I mean, that would be just one of the things to make sure that you address when you're sitting with your child is reasoning with them, not lording over them, just reasoning with them in a way that you're trying to understand where they are and you're helping them understand where they are and just what's going on and how you can make it better. Making it better. I think we all want that. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. But that's it. Yeah yeah. Okay.

00:13:30.000 So we're going to move forward into a story from doctor Perry. I'm just going to have a sip of water for us. Doctor Perry is a great psychiatrist and he is somebody who has learned and discovering mercy has given some great insight into these things as well. But he has learned about how we can like we've been talking earlier for our children.

00:13:59.000 And calm and be loving and understand the age difference between what people are going through. And with their emotions and whether you know the physical ages and the story starts with a mother and a daughter and the mother's name is Victoria and the daughter's name is Laura. And doctor Perry was called in to he and his team were called in to try to help most of the doctors from zero. This is from zero to four years old.

00:14:30.000 We're thinking what happened was she was not growing. Her weight was staying at a certain weight. And they were giving her a lot of calories, but nothing was happening. And so they called him and when he came on board, he noticed something right away. And this is key. What's key about it is that he could see the reason so he started to investigate. And this is all lovingly. He could see that Victoria her mother was a love and mother.

00:15:00.000 But as he started exploring asking her some questions, he delved deeper into it. He found out that she was a product of the foster care system. And at that time, she was in the foster care system that had the thought that if you had 6 months with one prostate care family, take you and put you in another foster care family. That kept happening. So we've talked before about lack of attachment pain and you have no attachment or tumor.

00:15:31.000 You're not going to have an understanding. And again, it's mirroring. And that's all that she could see. She came into the latter part of her foster care system before she was 18 for a few years. She was well, no, just probably about ten months she was with a foster care family because they finally realized at that time that polling you know wouldn't be a good thing.

00:15:57.000 So as she became 18, there was a rule that was kind of different within the child protective services in that area she was in that state that said, for the foster care parents, they wanted to adopt it, but they couldn't because if they did, then they would not be able to have any other foster care people there. So because of that, it was really either war situation.

00:16:22.000 Unfortunately, because the child protective services had that rule in place, she was taken really put out on her own at 18 into another type of program that wasn't healthy for her. So she was really on her own, just understanding the life and not having the people are mentorship or anything like that. There was really something she needed at the time. So long story short, you found that out. And with that family, before she was 18, they helped teach a morals and things of that nature, which was great.

00:16:56.000 However, she never had that attachment that she needed. So when she became pregnant, she was very young when she became pregnant and that happens a lot because people are reaching out for the attachment and if somebody says, I love you or manipulate you into sex or anything. Saying, I love you. That happens. And obviously, she became pregnant and that happens quite a bit with other you know people at that age practice as well. So when she became pregnant, and then she was going through everything.

00:17:26.000 She didn't have anybody to help her to really show her how to be that parent. They were there to show her how to go through pregnancy. But they didn't have that other part of it that's so important for a mother daughter or mother son related child relationship you know, either or. Exactly. Yeah. I'm just sitting there thinking. My mind is swirling how important that is.

00:17:54.000 And because that didn't happen, what happened when she had Laura is she didn't have the understanding of how to really be a bonding person with that child. So she just knew it was morally right to be a mother and to be there, but she wasn't there. If that makes any sense, she just wasn't there emotionally. She wasn't there physically, and the name of the chapter is called skin hunger. And you can understand the reason for that is because there was no hugging. There was no rocking.

00:18:24.000 There was no emotional detachment. There was nothing but she didn't know how to do a Victoria. And she wanted to do the best she could, but that's all she knew. So when he came in and gone fast forwarding again to doctor Perry, when he came on site after going through all this and delving deeper, he understood what the issue was. And there was a great character in the story and her name was mama P so wonderful. Such a great name for her.

00:18:54.000 And what she understood way back then is that, as we mentioned, a number of times, the child is it's not age appropriate. It behavior. They may be 7. They're acting in 5 or four. And then so when you understand that, she understood that she would rock a child that be 7 and just sit there and just soothe them and just be the person that they never understood to be there for them.

00:19:23.000 And it's just and it's IHE was more infantile. And needed to be rocked. And he never experienced that. She gave that to him. So initially, it was way back. I believe it was the 80s. When this story took place. But they have learned so much since then. The doctor Perry to his credit, he even said, I learned from her. You could have all of the degrees, you know, psychiatry, you could be psychologists and counseling, pastoral counseling.

00:19:54.000 The bottom line is it's love. It's pure and simple. It's emotional attachment. And it's just hugging and soothing and, you know, in a loving way, just hugging them. And this is what really helped mama pee with the people that you take care of. She was a foster care parent. And what was so wonderful about this story was that mom repeat to his credit again, doctor Perry brought mama P because he knew of her based on another child.

00:20:24.000 And she was able to work with both Victoria and with her daughter, Victoria and her daughter Laura. And they were she was able to show them how to do that. They did, you know, my repeated for Victoria in four law as well. And then they could see how to do it to each other. So it was really an amazing story about it's all about love. It's all about interpersonal relationships.

00:20:53.000 It's all about caring, loving, nurturing, and not being afraid about or worried or worried about a bad behavior, the crying or whatever the case may be, that just know that that's what they want. That's what they need. If they don't have it, you give it to them. And it's just such and really the bottom line is love conquers all. Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree.

00:21:16.000 Love does conquer all, and you know you think about yourself as a parent and how difficult it is to manage situations that you're in that you look at, what happened with Victoria and her daughter, this woman had been taken every 6 months out of the foster home that she was just beginning to get settled in. Exactly. And over and over and over, that happened to her and so she never had anything modeled for her.

00:21:47.000 So that's what we're doing here today is just trying to tell you there is a way to get that model to be there is information out there. We would like to help you get that information because we needed it when we were younger and didn't have it. That's our motivation. Yes. To help you understand that. Yeah. Yeah. So we want your children to thrive. We want you to thrive as a parent because having children and grandchildren and great grandchildren is a joy.

00:22:18.000 And that's why the way that God intended it for me. And so there are tools for us. There are resources for us and there are ways. To do a better job relating with our children. And helping them to come through the challenges. And I can not even imagine being a child in today's culture. It's very difficult, I think, for them. And just says to me more so.

00:22:48.000 We need to be there. I absolutely agree with that. And one last thing that we need to get into a little bit is that even though it happened to Laura and it happened it happened to others. The brain is developed in a certain way in the neurons. Excuse me. Our affected by it. And the brain growth goes in a different direction and so forth. But the bottom line is it can be repaired.

00:23:18.000 And that's what we're all trying. That's what we're trying to do as a ministry. Just to show you that, again, we're not perfect. And I know we can go into being guilty of something happens in our range, say we lose our temper or anything like that. It's okay. Just accept it and just we thank God for who he is. And you know he's taking it all for us. But just remember now it's your child and the relationship with that with them is the most important thing.

00:23:48.000 And we're here as God's representatives for that. So again, it's no guilt. And again, once we understand the tools that we're giving you, and again, we didn't have them when we were younger. But once you understand it, things can be repaired, and God is just a wonderful God. And I just wanted to bring that into. I love it. Thank you. Okay. Do you have anything else? Okay. Well, this is something that I really enjoy talking about as you might imagine.

00:24:19.000 But it's the thrill and the joy for me. And I know Alison is, well, to help you and to help your relationships and to help your interpersonal relationships. And this can work in any relationship that's something that anybody who's close with your friends or whatever. Because again, the bottom line is we're here. It's such a vapor of the time we're here and God is so wonderful to give us the wonderful gift of life. And we can enjoy it. God has given us ways to do it and we just thinking of the brain and just the complexity of it.

00:24:51.000 It's just amazing. So I just wanted to mention that. And you know if you have any questions or feedback, please feel free to write us or email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and really appreciate that because we truly want to answer questions and give further information whatever you need or whatever you think you would like us to do a little bit more research on or anything of that nature. So I guess what you say that.

00:25:21.000 Yes. And also, our podcast is out there now. This is, I think, our 5th or 6th one. And we would just love if you're listening to it and you know anybody that might benefit from hearing from us. And the journey that we're taking through this podcast for helping people live wholeheartedly.

00:25:48.000 We would love for you to share that with others and we have a website we have a couple of websites. Dot org is the website where we put resources. We have our podcast listed on there also. And we also have transcription and we'll have some blogs on there too for you. Right. Exactly. Yeah. So do you want to yeah? Okay.

00:26:17.000 We just want to say thank you for joining us. And again, this is just such a thrill for us to be able to sit here and do this. So we thank you and we hope you have a wonderfully blessed day and week and have a great, great day too. Thank you. Thank you. Bye bye.