Hi, everyone. Thank you for joining us as before. My name is Gerard. This is Allison. And as we move forward with this particular podcast, we want to go back briefly to adverse childhood experiences. And what I would like to do is I have a list to my left, then I'm going to read just to give an overview of exactly what we're talking about in a different areas that this does happen.

So what I'm going to start with is bullying, poverty, peer rejection, racism, death, multiple traumatic events, community violence, food scarcity, experience of the care system, poor academic performance, living in an unsafe environment, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional neglect, physical neglect, mental illness, domestic violence, problems with drug and alcohol use, parental incarceration, and parental separation.

And that's quite a list. So we can see why so many people are affected by adverse childhood experience in one way or another. And so I would like to just turn this over to Allison at this time, because as we were talking earlier, we wanted to talk a bit more right now about sexual abuse. And would you mind starting? Yeah. Well, I just told Gerard, I've said this before on our podcast too. What you don't know can hurt you.

And so I have a long-term experience with sexual abuse, myself. And it is something that you think is normal when it's happening. You don't know that it's wrong, but I think our bodies know that it's wrong. And I think our hearts probably know it's wrong, but we're children, and we don't know what to do about it.

And that comes through tantrums we try to express that through different types of behaviors that come after that. That people don't understand and think that we're just unruly children that were difficult, that were hard to deal with, and the parents typically don't know how to deal with children that have gone through that. And they don't know that they have gone through that.

But I have been through it. It started as a child, very early age about 5 or 6 years old. And it just progressively got worse in my life. It seemed like it was just the cloud that followed me throughout my life was sexual perversion. And for whatever reason. I attracted that.

And I'm not saying I'm blaming myself for that. I mean, it's just I think it's because of the way that I felt about myself. That I was an easy target for that. But sexual abuse affects us in such a way that we just don't have a clear understanding of who we are. We don't have a we don't have clarity around boundaries.

We don't have clarity around, we don't have filters for things. We feel free to talk to anybody. About anything, they have to be safe people. If I can ask any question yeah. But you know as far as you mentioned two things that you know early on and one of them is how you felt and I think it really is as you were going through it in the parents or your foster care people, whoever, whoever your caregivers are, it's dissonance when you really separated from the traumatic offense because that's how your brain can handle it you know.

That's how your body can hear it. Yes. I actually did not even remember that those things had happened to me until I was in my mid 40s. And so prior to that time, being separated from that, I really didn't understand why I made the decisions that I made in my life. They were very harmful to me. They were destructive to me.

I chose people as you know significant others in my life that were not healthy for me. And I ended up going through a lot more experiences of sexual abuse of right of just a lot of very harmful things to my emotional health.

My physical health, how I saw myself, how I felt about myself, how I portrayed myself. You know. I did not think that I was worthy of somebody loving me. And because I think because I didn't think I was worthy of that, I was running toward that and would take it from anybody. And I did.

I took it from people who brought greater harm to me and. It was a very difficult life for me. My prior to 47 years old, I had been through many destructive relationships. And I felt like that, well you know, I'm the common denominator in that. What is the problem here?

And you just hear people all the time talking about, well, if you've had these things happen in your life, it's your fault. And you're the one that can decide if you want to have it different or not. And it's not always the case. It's not a clear message. That we're a truthful message that we're giving to people that have been through these types of experiences because it is traumatic.

And when it happens over and over and over, and it comes by people that you think love you and care about you, whether it's a significant other, whether it's an authority figure in your life, whether it's a parent, whoever it is, you look to those people, to you know have your good at heart. And to want to help you to have a good life. I mean, you're not rationalizing that as a child, but that is the design.

And so when, I guess, I went through a very emotional, physically abusive period. When I was 19 years old, and I was forced to do something that was definitely not something I wanted to do. And it was against every part of my being. And I think it just disillusioned me at that point.

Yeah you know. Which way to bring it all together? I mean, what you've gone through is complex trauma in question about it. So as we talked about before, we have three areas of the brain of the prefrontal cortex in the midbrain and limbic. So when you're in the functioning mode of doing it, like for right now, we're in a functional mode of doing whatever. You know, podcasting or whatever your function is that you're doing, you have a tendency to separate from the I don't want to know you know.

You're just separating it and keeping it separate from there. And then what happens is you also come into an area of protection. And through that protection, you experience angry experience of emotions. But we just don't sometimes understand the unprocessed emotions we have. And so what Alison is mentioning is very typical for a person who's undergone complex trauma of that nature.

And then as you as you're looking to the people who are there to help you that you trust, you just don't know anything different. So you're going through what we talked about before powerlessness. Shame and lack of attachment pain. So those are things. And you just don't know why you're going through it. And it's just self worth sometimes. You just don't feel worthy.

You don't feel loved because of the violations of the horrific acts of what happens. And you try to disassociate as mentioned earlier to just try to separate it so you can survive it. So what happens is when you go back into that defense strategy that you get through it at that young age, you carry that into your adulthood. So it sounds like you had so many figures in your life that were not helping you. That they seem to the people you were reaching out to just weren't there.

Well, they just didn't have an understanding. They had lack of knowledge in that. There was not you know there weren't people talking about this, then it was things that were you know it was just literally swept under the rug. People did not talk about these things. And if they did, they didn't involve their children. And so, yeah, it causes you to carry a sense of shame.

It a sense of guilt even because the way that people respond to you makes you feel like something's wrong with you because you're not you're not behaving like they want you to. You're doing something out of you know you're in the box and you're not following the way that the rules are for you. And so but that all comes with a lack of understanding and a lack of knowledge of what people go through when they go through these experiences in their lives.

It can it is very destructive. It can lead us to make very destructive decisions. And it can cause us to think so low of ourselves, our self confidence, our self esteem, I call it crisis now you know. But all of that is torn down through those experiences.

And that is, I mean, I think it's through the hand of the Abel. I think that it was intent to keep me from being who I was created to be. But coming to terms with all of that, when you realize all of those things, I mean, it's not like you have to go back and dig all of that up. I did. I did. I felt like it was very important for me to understand because there had been so much.

And I did that with Jesus. And I did that with a group of women who were supportive of me and helpful to me. But I really, truly did it through you know taking those steps of going through and looking at the decades of my life and what had happened in my life and the way that I looked at that was that God was there for me during that decade and how he protected me from, yes, that evil thinking in.

That he protected me in that because I'm still here. And I'm going to be okay because he says I am. He's going to work it all together for good. And so. But you know sexual abuse is it's in our the way that we feel about ourselves the way that we look at ourselves, our worth, our value, our staying, all of that becomes interwoven in the fabric of our beings.

And so everything that you're thinking, everything that you're doing, everything that you're saying to other people, it's coming through that. And it doesn't mean I mean, it could just be in the way that you approach someone. It could be the way you dress. It could be the way that you interact with someone on a date. It could be not having boundaries for your life.

I mean, I remember one time going to someone's house, where there were no I was told a mother was there, but there was no there were no parents there. And so you know just like thinking in terms of what are very practical things that we can do to prevent those things from happening in our lives and our children's lives, and hopefully our children will listen to us.

I don't know if you want to go there yet and talk about our children, but I just wanted to mention just before we go out there, one thing you also mentioned too is your behavior as a child, and the parents just didn't know. So what they would consider something that is combative or something that is just a child being a child. They're not really understanding the reason behind it all.

And that's what we're trying to get at here is to understand that what you have gone through was horrific. And then you were just, you would just you know what would happen in those cases, you would go into almost any area where you knew something may have happened or something to that effect, but you knew there was trouble there. So you were acting out with the I correct me if I'm wrong.

But I believe that with the temperature in terms of something like that, there's just things underlying on that. And you know when you have people who can see that, and that's you know counselors or good counselors can see that. That's where they can get dig into further. And again, what you said is so true. It's not going back to pull out the experiences of the act. You're just trying to deal with the issues of the inner child that had deal that deal with that at that time.

And not having anybody to talk to about it. There was nobody there and this is what it sounds like. That you could reach out to and say, this is what happened to me. And you've hidden it. So you've suppressed it. And these are unprocessed. And when you're dealing with that, you can bring that as again into your adult life. But it's a process that began as the child. So good counselors, again, will really be able to help go much deeper with you.

And it's really about how they will show the love of Christ to you. It's not about anything other than that. It's not about pulling anything out as I mentioned. It's just being there with you, to walk this journey with you. Yeah. Lots of tantrums. Lots of dissidents, lots of. Anger.

Lots of not understanding why nobody understood me. Lots of. Feeling that I wasn't good enough to be a part of whatever it was. Not feeling chosen, not feeling. Important.

And not feeling like someone could take enough time to really spend with me to find out what was really going on because they didn't have the knowledge or the skills. And so which is why Gerard here today. You know, not having anybody yeah. That's very lonely. It's a place where as you grow older, you're seeing more and more of what's inside of you and you don't like it yeah.

Whatever the issue is, whatever you've gone through, but in this case, we're talking about sexual abuse. You know, from a going through it as a child, it really can do those things. You just make you feel powerlessness, lack of attachment pain, and shame, Seamus huge. So why we're mentioning this just from my perspective is that we want you to be aware that we as a ministry, we have gone through certain things.

So some of the things that we've mentioned here for the adverse childhood experiences that we just mentioned a bit ago, I've gone through them as well. But all in all, as we're talking about what Allison has gone through, we have to understand that with Allison and her ability to want to seek help and it really is the love of God that she was able to do that because God was the one who held her together and every way as she went through it.

I mean, sometimes you may not see that, but it's really about people coming alongside you who are good and you mentioned your support group of women too. And that's just so wonderful to have is to have a support group. But so many people don't have that. But when you do have it, that's a big help as well. And so when I keep saying is it's Christ working through us. It really is, it's the love that he shows to us and we have it through us to the people we're walking alongside with.

And that's a big, big thing to come to try to just deal with some of the things you're doing. But some of the things you're going through, rather. And as you're doing that, it's not about, again, any condemnation or anything like that. It's all about walking with you through the journey to live wholeheartedly. That's the bottom line on that. Right.

I think it's so important to be able just to talk about it with somebody that you feel very safe with that you feel that it's not going to judge you or make you feel like you're less than because that happened to you because honestly like Gerard said a few minutes ago. Everybody has been through some form of trauma in it. They say they hadn't and they don't know. They're not being honest with themselves. And I don't know. And they may not know. Yeah. Exactly. Because I was 47. I mean, I knew bad things were happening in my life.

But I didn't understand what had happened to me way early in my life and that it was just you know you think you know when you are growing up and things that are happening in your life, you think it's happening and everybody else is like, hey, you don't know there's something different. Until you do. And then when you do, you're like, well, then what happened to me? And why is my life this way? And so for me, it was about you know.

As Gerard said, through Christ, is where I found my freedom from this. And of course, it's been since 2006 where I met Jesus. And so there has been an enormous amount of work done since that. And before that, there was probably 20 plus years of counseling that really did not. It didn't, it didn't do what Jesus did in my life, okay?

And so then having people come along beside me and then doing the work, being intentional on my own about you know I love our how our minds operate, and how our brains operate, and how they create new neural pathways. Exactly. No plasticity. Yeah. And you know I know that that has happened in my life.

And I know because I don't always think somebody's trying to hurt me anymore or out to get me or I know my worth now, I know who I am, and I know the greatest thing for me out of all of this you know. First of all, I never would have imagined that I would be sitting right here today talking to people about what happened in my life, it was a secret you know.

But more than that, to want to extend my heart and hands and feet to help other people. And you know I just truly believe by coming along with other people that there is a power of healing in that. And again, people that are safe, people that understand people who have been through it, but people also have come through to the other side of it.

And so they're filter is not to even talk critically about the people that harmed you. Because that can happen. You can be you know and we do want to say it's wrong. I don't want to belittle that at all. It is wrong. What happened is wrong. It was not what should have happened in my life. Or anyone else's life. That's a great point.

And so it's okay to grieve. It's okay to grieve that these horrific things happen to you. We don't want to dwell there, but we want to know that we have to grieve. There is a grieving process. And that's where, you know, what Christ does for us is he comforts us to comfort you, and that's something that I just wanted to add. Yeah. I love that.

I was just thinking when you were saying that, and I don't know why it triggered it in my mind, but I was thinking about you know sexual abuse. Well, there's so many things that come with sexual abuse. It's not just sexual abuse. There's emotional abuse. There's verbal abuse. There's domestic violence. There's bullying. I mean, all of those are part of that whole dynamic because if you don't think well of yourself, all of those things, I mean, those things are happening in your life.

Those things happen in my life. And it's just more and more and more to try to keep you down, I think. Where when you realize and you get a more you're more informed and trauma and how it affects your life, then you gain more freedom from that. You do. Good point. One you know, I just want to mention a story that was reading.

Really kind of goes along with that you don't know when you were going through it. And there was a father who was sexually abusing his child, and he was telling her that he was doing this, so she would be ready for marriage. To another, you know, to a husband. And she wouldn't know. So what you were saying, you just don't know, you think that this is kind of well, not normal, but you just don't know anything other than what you're going through. Right.

And you know that just broke my heart to see how confusion can set an after the fact is, well, you just, first of all, the confusion sets in because you're having an adult figure or a caregiver that you as a child, if you just think they can do no wrong. And you're reaching out for that and so you're saying it must be me when things you know you have the emotions that come about, but I just wanted to mention that, that that's a great point.

You just don't know what you're going through until after the fact, then you can see really what other people haven't gone through. And you know it doesn't always have to be a parent or a caregiver. I mean, it can be a friend. It can be an uncle. It can be an aunt. It can be anybody. They say it typically happens through family members. Yeah. There are neighbors and there are, I mean, that's part of my story.

And but the good news is, is that we can heal from this. And we can come out on the other side of it. And I'm a firm believer in God works everything out for good to those who love him. And I believe that that's the only reason I'm sitting here. And I think maybe you know what was meant for evil for me is now being used for good. And I'm just I'm so honored and I'm so blessed to be sitting here with Gerard and sharing this with you and my hope is that as Gerard is too, I know that.

Anything we say or anything that we can do that helps you to grow away from the pain and more into the freedom of being who you really are. That's a great point. It really is. And you know when we go through it and we don't know about when we get to the other side and we kind of understand what we've gone through, we can go back to that inner child and then go back from there and then what you do is bring it to the healing process.

So again, you want to live wholeheartedly and you know going through the trauma that we both have gone through minor at the same as Allison's. But it's something that once you learn it and you learn it from a perspective that you don't want to go back you know to blame people, you don't want to go back to you want to really understand forgiveness is key on that, but it takes a while. It's okay to grieve.

It's okay to get the unprocessed emotions to come out and to process them the way that's healthy and you know we are being vulnerable. So you can understand that. It's okay to be viral. People have experienced it. You're not alone. And we want to be here to you know certainly help you in any way we can. So I think the ministry is really geared for that and we really want to follow up with that as we talk about these reverse childhood experiences.

I think it's just great to be able to just bring these stories that we both have and others that we've done through studying and things of that nature. Again, to make you aware that you're not alone and we know that you can really begin the process of healing and we're just hopeful and thankful that you're listening and watching and we just our hearts are with you. As a ministry, our hearts, the lord has put it on our hearts to help people.

And again, what we go through things, the lord knows that, but he knows how to use that as you're saying to help people and to bring that attention to whatever the issue may be, but it's such a good thing. So it's Romans 8 28. And it's really such a true thing that God uses what we experience and brings it onto the other side so we can help others. Yes. And I mean. Living testimonies of that.

Do you have anything else? No. Okay. Well, the only thing I want to conclude with is we will be talking. There was a how can I say that they were questions? And we will go into this a bit more, maybe in the next podcast, about how you as a survivor, when you have children, how to deal with correction of children, how the discipline, or how to understand them in a loving way.

So we'll go through with that to help people who you know has experienced this through and through. So that's just something where we bring for another podcast. So you're all set? Yes. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to listen to us and just God bless you and have a wonderful week. Thank you so much.