00:00:01.020 Hello and welcome to MilMac Musings, where Allison Miller and Gerard MacLellan reveal the intersection between God and science for living wholeheartedly. Now on to the podcast. I'm Allison, and this is Gerard, my ministry partner. Welcome to Milmac Musing's podcast. Today, we are going to talk about sexual abuse and go a little bit deeper into understanding how it affects us and how prevalent it is.

00:00:34.500 And Gerard's going to start off by a reading that we would like to share with you. Sure. Well, first of all, we're going to start out with you know how sexual abuse, what it does. Sexual abuse does damage to the core of a person. It certainly affects the life of the abused child, but it also can leak poison throughout adult life. The impact of such abuse does not just go away.

00:01:01.320 And that's really a tough, very tough thing to have to understand and walk through. But I'm going to also mention, too, about what sexual abuse is again. Sexual abuse occurs whenever a person, child or adult, is sexually exploited by an older or more powerful person for the satisfaction of the abuser's needs. The range of abuses provide, it includes verbal, visual, and physical sexual activity that is engaged in without consent.

00:01:33.660 Sexual abuse is a felony in all 50 states. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah. So we're just going to go forward with another part of the series about talking about sexual abuse. And I guess at this point, what we'll probably do is try to point out some of the things that are part of it. We mentioned in other podcasts with other abuses, triggers and other things that some of the terminology.

00:02:01.500 You know One more thing before we mentioned any other terminology is just how prevalent the sexual abuse is. It's very prevalent. And one of the things that we have to understand is that what we want to understand is just, you know, as we've gone over the damage of what, you know, how people what people go through, we have to understand that we want to believe the people. We have to be actively listening to people who bring it forward.

00:02:30.240 And we have to help the people who are dealing with this by themselves. Right. And the key word for that is empathy. And we also need to understand that everybody's response to sexual abuse can be very unique because we're all unique individuals. Right. And there's just unique circumstances as to the abuse as well. Right. And this is in every part of society.

00:03:01.500 And it's also included in the church. And we're not going to dismiss the church because it does happen there. Abuse in the church is prevalent, and it's something that we are here to try to help people in churches and the body of Christ to come alongside and just to make you aware of the trauma awareness and what things need to be done, meaning tools and the empathy and the people needed to walk with them and with you to help you get to the point of working through what you have really suffered through.

00:03:38.220 So we just want to mention that. I have a question regarding the sexual abuse. From your understanding of what you have dealt with, you know, with that, when we talked about ACEs and other things that were contributing to our decisions and moving forward, and plus what we had as children to deal with trying to work through the safety of the walls that we were building.

00:04:10.980 When you were walking through the church itself, what was your walk with the church? Did you feel comfortable bringing it forward in the church, or were you able to what was the best way you felt to walk through it? I didn't feel well, I didn't even know when I was young that it had happened because it had been so repressed.

00:04:37.080 I think because of having had the revelation of Christ's love for me before it was revealed to me, which I think was by God's design, I was able to share it with a community of women that I was in. And I was well-received. It was well-received, but I really didn't understand the depth of how it had affected me at that point.

00:05:10.680 So, you know, really, I would say I did not go to the church and tell them about it. I did not go to anybody at the church specifically in leadership and share my story. I did not feel comfortable with that. I didn't even know really how to describe what happened to me. You know, I just didn't know how to put words around it.

00:05:39.120 Right. So, it was... And I think even in my, you know, when I wrote my book, "Desperate for Love," I think that even during that, I mean, it was a very healing thing for me to do to tell my story. I started off just doing it for my kids. I wanted them to know what had happened because I believe that what you don't know can hurt you and I wanted them to know what our family had been exposed to me as their mom.

00:06:08.820 And I did share the book with the church, but I think because it was a more of a maybe a megachurch, it wasn't, you know, it was just more or less, "Thank you for sharing your heart." And so that was a little deflating to me.

00:06:31.140 That response, not that I needed them to do anything with it, but I think just that nobody reached out to me and said, "Hey, how can we help you through this?" That was hard. Yeah. Thank you for your honesty on that. I know it was a tough question, but thank you for you know explaining what you went through. And again, the key here with our ministry is the empathy. Empathy is the key.

00:06:55.260 Yeah And you know with trauma awareness in the church and in society itself, empathy is the most important thing, and that's what people need to do as caregivers, as people within the body of Christ, as people within the church, and as people in society. We all need to come alongside people and actively believe them. And as we get back into a bit of terminology, one thing we have to start out with is triggers.

00:07:21.840 And triggers, as a definition, is just something that you could be in a place where it could be smells, it could be just where you're located. It could be the sounds of certain things. So those are some of the things that can really initiate the triggers, which takes you back into an area where you kind of almost disassociate. You can just go back so quickly yeah and can be in a place of being right there again.

00:07:51.240 Yeah. It's like you know the trigger happens and like you said, it could be a geographical location. It doesn't have to be the same location something happened, but it could be a geographical location. It could be a smell where it's very familiar to you. Sounds that you know it could be the way someone touches you.

00:08:13.320 All of these things, these triggers are what create the flashback that make you feel like you are back in that place again and that it is happening to you all over again and it's as if it's happening for the very first time again. And so those are the flashbacks that come and I mean it's very hard to navigate that and it's very difficult to overcome that.

00:08:48.600 They're just not easily overcome. It can be, but it's not something easy. To be with a good counselor. The counselors will work with you on that. Good counselors will be gentle and be with you and they'll recognize that you're in a flashback. And when you're in a flashback, you really are there. And if this is what I understood, the counselor will bring you out of it in a calming voice saying, "It's okay." You're not getting hurt again.

00:09:20.820 You're back in a flashback. You're okay. You're in the office. You're safe. You're safe. And a lot of times, the person will come out of it because of the gentleness. And they never would have experienced that before if they were alone, or they had to deal with that themselves. And there's nightmares as well. Nightmares can be an issue there too. And that can be triggered by you know if it happened at night, or if there were other, you know, things like that that would create the triggers and create the, the anxiety, and create all the different unprocessed emotions and the difficulty of what you've gone through.

00:09:57.240 And then, again, some people nobody believes them, or they're afraid that other people will think so, so negatively about them. Right. And that's a sad thing. And nightmares can be I mean, you can have them night after night like I did for years, or you may have them sporadically. And it could be something that happened, you know, from a trigger or a flashback, or it could be that you're from that day, or that you're actually going back in your dream and experiencing that again.

00:10:27.840 So, um, that's one of the ways that, um, it affects us. Mm-hmm. And the brain itself and mind is, is created by God. And we do have chemicals to emotions. So as you're going through all of this terminology of triggers, flashbacks, nightmares, et cetera, our minds really kind of the chemistry takes over.

00:10:53.040 And we have these depths where we have the highs and lows and the trying to get rid of it, the fears and the anxieties as mentioned. And that can really play havoc on your body. So you're going through this. First of all, you're going through something that is just you've been violated. It's a crime. And you've gone through this. And if you're not out there at the point where you're comfortable of learning how to walk through the difficulties that you've experienced and to try to embrace that what happened to you is wrong.

00:11:27.780 It's not your fault. These people were evil. And because of that, they perpetrated something on you that you had nothing to do with. And any guilt or shame or helplessness, that's all there because of what has happened to you. It's just really, it's a terrible thing that you're walking through.

00:11:50.280 And when I say we, as a ministry, people who are coming alongside the people who have gone through it, we just want you to be healthy and to understand that, again, the healing does take place for the love of Christ. And the steps needed to go forward with this really is through counseling and counseling with Jesus and understanding what happened to you is very real and not to dismiss it. And one person within Dr.

00:12:19.560 Diane's book had mentioned, which I thought was powerful, was that somebody was listening to them and saying to them that it's going to be okay as they were going into a flashback, and it's going to be all right. You're going to be all right. And they thought, they said, "Well, somebody actually said it's going to be all right to walk through this and get through it." And they said, "Is that really going to happen?" So you can understand the depths of the helplessness and the just anxiety and fears and the unprocessed emotions of what happened to you.

00:12:53.640 And again, it's something that something perpetrated on you that's very difficult. Yeah. Yeah. It's really hard when you go through these things. And sometimes we disassociate from it. It's really like disassociation is really just spacing out or totally removing yourself emotionally or physically from the experience that you've gone through or during that time.

00:13:23.880 And you actually end up kind of suppressing it and that's where your masking starts coming in because you're not really being real, you're not dealing with the emotions. You don't even know to though. I'm not saying you're not doing something you should be doing because you don't really know unless you've got somebody walking beside you that understands this. But I know Gerard wants to share a story with you from Diane Langberg's book.

00:13:53.760 But before he does, I just want to tell you that there's another part of that story. There was a young child whose mom was visiting a neighbor's home and the two women were talking and while they were talking, the young child was outside playing and there was a collision of two cars outside and the child witnessed that and the child ran inside and he was screaming and crying and very upset for this thing that had just happened that was very frightening for him.

00:14:30.480 I mean terrifying. And his mother actually took him in her arms and started rocking him and telling him he was safe and it was going to be okay that he was all right. And you know she did this continuously any time that he said anything about that. I mean, not just that day, but in the future.

00:14:59.460 And that child was able to overcome because somebody immediately met him with empathy, with love, with understanding, and the tools and the understanding of how to express to that child that he was safe. And so the other story is a little different from this one. And so are you ready to read that? Yeah.

00:15:27.600 I just want to mention something else about that story that really struck my heart as well, is that the woman who had the sexual abuse, she could see that a loving, caring, empathetic person, what they would do to a person who was going through some difficult times, trauma, or something nightmare, or something they were frightened for. And she was able through that to be able to see that when she was going back, she was actually raped by her uncle.

00:16:00.180 And her uncle and you know the sad part is, and you hear these stories and people walk through them, and your heart is just there for them. And sometimes you're in shock at what happens. And the uncle did this to her, but her aunt knew about it and did not do anything about it to help her. So fortunately, she could see how a healthy relationship could help her you know to move forward with it, to see what it's like to see that.

00:16:29.400 So she was able to start the journey, just looking at what a healthy relationship looked like based on what she was just she was so traumatized by it. Wasn't her counselor that had told her that story that made her realize that, "Hey, there is hope for me." Right. Exactly. So you know it's sad to hear these stories and to you know be with people who walk through it. If we don't walk through it ourselves, other people do. And again, it's empathy and a hark result to people who are traumatized by things that they just didn't commit.

00:17:01.260 They were perpetrated on these people. It's just sad. That's all it is. It is. I'm just going to mention a story about dealing with trauma. It really is something that's very powerful, at least I felt. And it was this woman. She was raped by her father for 15 years. She never realized that all that stuff that messes up her life was a result of this.

00:17:31.200 I was always afraid, she mentioned. Terrified is a better word. I kept getting these memories of what happened. They came out of nowhere. I could be sitting in a park on a beautiful day when all of a sudden the images of what he did are right there. So this is what we're talking about. Flashbacks. Yeah. Then I feel as if I am six years old again, not 24. It's as if the whole thing is happening again.

00:17:59.100 The counselor called it a flashback. I'm afraid of men in small places. I can't sleep or concentrate. I jump easily and often get furious for no reason at all. I hate my body. I never want to talk about growing up. And I get anxious around children because it reminds me of being little. I thought I was crazy, but my counselor said I'm not. She said, "The way I feel is normal for what I've lived through. Normal. Imagine that. I never thought anybody would say that it was normal for any reason.

00:18:29.640 She also said there's hope, and there always is hope, and that's so wonderful. I'm not sure I know what hope feels like. She said it means that something excuse me. She says it means something somewhere down the road. I'm going to repeat that one more time. Sorry. She said it means that somewhere down the road, I don't have to live like this. I wonder if she's right. And that's just a powerful story about people who really you know and I think you said it earlier. It's true. Some people just don't know what they've experienced.

00:19:00.180 And they disassociate it. Yeah. And they think it's normal. And then again, you also have the fact is that if you tell anybody. You know So that's very traumatic in itself as you're a child. Yeah But you know for this story, what was so sad was that the child was raped until she was 15 by her father. By her father. And they say that you know the closer related you are and the wider the gap in the age, the more damaging that is to you.

00:19:31.920 Yeah. And you know with the sexual abuse, we're going to have a few more episodes on this, but we really want to try to lay the foundation for you to embrace and understand that it's okay to work through this, to look back, and to harness some of the emotions you're experiencing, and it takes a lot of time. It really does.

00:19:55.560 And it takes a great counselor, a great caregiver, and/or a great caregiver, or people who are walking alongside you from a really good Christian-based Jesus-loving church. Really? Yeah And you know from a biblical aspect, and that's really important. So these are areas that can help you to really start the journey to be healed and to live more of a wholehearted life. Right. Right. And that's what we want for you.

00:20:26.400 We have been able to take that, to receive that, and it's all been through the love of Christ. And you know I know that we meet people every day that tell us their stories. And it's heartbreaking because you know those people are still not able to tell because there are people living that would be just devastated if they said anything about this other person who was so revered in society or in the Christian world.

00:21:02.340 But the fact is, like Gerard said, it's a felony. It's a crime in every state. And so it's just very important for anyone who has been through this to really get the tools and the resources and someone walking beside you to help you navigate all of this from a healthy perspective and through Christ's love for you. Right. I just want to mention something too.

00:21:31.200 What is trauma? I think it's important to kind of give an overview on it. Many men and women have been sexually abused, who have been sexually abused, suffer from what is known as post-traumatic stress disorder, a condition marked by several criteria. First, people suffer from PTSD have had an exposure to a traumatic event that involved actual threatened death or injury during which they experienced panic, horror, or helplessness.

00:22:00.840 Second, they experienced the trauma in dreams. This is encapsulating what we're talking about. They experience the trauma in dreams, flashbacks, intrusive memories, or anxiety in situations that remind them of the event, the event. Third, they demonstrate a numbing of emotions and a lack of interest or avoidance of others in the world. Fourth, they experience symptoms of hyperarousal such as insomnia, irritability, anger outbursts, and difficulty concentrating.

00:22:32.760 The list of criteria may describe you out there. If you have experienced at least three symptoms for at least one month, and if they have significantly affected your life, then you qualify for the diagnosis of PTSD. And again, all of this stems from adverse childhood experiences and the traumatic events. And again, it's trauma-related, but complex trauma, too, is something that really is a horrific thing because it's a constant recurring and recurring and recurring.

00:23:04.560 And just one last thing as we were doing a little bit of research and we were listening to a great explanation of ACES. This particular doctor related the health symptoms that are involved with this too. And with the health symptoms, it was a great analogy. And the analogy is, as our bodies made for chemicals, to reactions, to things that create, fight, flight, freeze, and other things with chemistry of our minds.

00:23:40.140 And if you're going into the woods and you see a bear, you have that arousal of fight or flight. And if you're sitting there ready to fight them, that's great. I mean, not that you want to do that. Well, your heart's just going. And then you're right like this now, but that's what it's about. That's how the chemistry is supposed to be. You have these areas, fight, flight, freeze, as I mentioned, and the flood and other things. But It's a healthy fair. Right.

00:24:09.720 That's it in a nutshell. But the other thing that's really harmful, and we both were agreeing with that, and we've kind of lifted this, is that it's the constant, the bear that comes home every night. It was such a great analogy. Oh my gosh. And she was describing how that heart, every single night, as you go like this and your anxiety and we were talking about the heart racing due to the anxiety.

00:24:40.440 So again, just a quick note here, all of what you're going through and all of what we have gone through, again, it's a health-related thing. Right. It affects your body. I mean, your body's responding the way that it needs to respond, but when your body goes into overdrive and it's going through this every single day or every night or you're actually developing health issues with your heart, with your blood pressure, with anxiety, and your body doesn't know how to shut it off.

00:25:11.820 Right. And one last thing with sleep deprivation, we know how that really plays havoc on your body because sleep is actually a medicine by God to help our bodies to regenerate for the next day. So I just wanted to bring that up to you because as we go deeper with the ACES as part of what we're talking about with sexual abuse, we just wanted to mention that you know it affects your brain, it affects your heart, it affects your mind, your emotions, every part of your body.

00:25:41.100 And not only are you going through the triggers and flashbacks and nightmares and anything else that can be caused by this. But there are health-related issues. So we just wanted to bring that to the attention that ACEs are key to all of these symptoms. And once we start to embrace the understanding of them and how to deal with the unprocessed emotions, and again, it takes people with empathy, people who have the love of Christ in them, and they want to come alongside you because it's just in their heart to do what's right and to help you get through it.

00:26:16.200 I think it's so important for us to be with people, to be counseled by people, or to have friends walking beside us, who are people who really do have the love of Christ in them. You know Part of the love of Christ is that they love you, and they want to see you thrive. And so they're out of the way. And it's not about them anymore. It's about who you are, what you've been through, how they can help you move forward to heal and giving you the tools and the resources and the counsel to be able to do that.

00:26:51.060 And of course, that's exactly what God wants for us. His design was for us to be able to live free from all of these things we've gone through and to live wholeheartedly. Right. And we certainly have the understanding that because of what you've been through. And it could be people from the church or it could be anybody else that you may not really quite understand. They may have more of a distorted view of God. Not that that's a bad thing. It's just something that you're walking through and working through.

00:27:18.960 But like Alison was mentioned, it's the love of God, the love of Jesus, that he did what he did for all of us, each and every one. And he would do it for me. He would do it for Alison only. If we were the only ones here, he would have done it. Yeah So we just want you to understand that there's no condemnation, no guilt, that if you have a distorted view of God, our hearts go out to you because you were working with people or these actual perpetrated on you by people who weren't godly or were not they were just evil.

00:27:48.180 It was pure evil. Totally. And just to add to that and just to help you, you know this is not our story, but we have both lived through that. We have both had distorted views because of the things that happened to us. It's real hard for someone who has been sexually abused for someone to tell you that if you don't let me do this, God's not going to love you. That is not God's design at all.

00:28:18.120 And so I just wanted to add that because I think it's so important to know, yeah, we had that same view. It was distorted, but God met us. And revealed His love to us in a way that we never could have imagined. And so we, because of that, of that understanding and that love, He works through us. And we're doing this as part of our ministry.

00:28:44.760 We're explaining our story to be vulnerable, to understand we do understand what it's like to have a distorted view of God, as you mentioned. But it's just His love that is just imperative for all of us to embrace in order to walk that journey of healing and living wholeheartedly. Yeah. Totally. Okay. Well, it was wonderful to have you join us today, and we thank you so much for the honor of you sitting here and sitting at where you are watching us because we think it's a privilege to be doing what we're doing.

00:29:18.420 We just thank you for taking the time to listen. And we just want to say God bless you, and thank you again for listening to our podcast. And if you want to have any particular questions or anything else that you would like to send to us so we can address them for our future podcasts. It's going to be at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. And we just thank you. Thank you. Bless you all. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Have a wonderful day.