00:00:10.440 Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Milmac Musings Podcast by Destined for Glory, where we reveal the intersection between God and science for living wholeheartedly. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to MilMac Musings.

00:00:26.100 Today, Gerard and I are going to be talking about control and boundaries, boundaries and limits. And when we talk about control, we're talking about controlling or controlling or trying to truly help the other person's issues. It could be alcoholism, it could be other things too, where really could become more codependent. Yeah, I mean, in our human nature, we always want to help somebody else through something or change them or think if we do certain things, it will change them.

00:01:00.660 Right. Well, my story. When I was going through that particular relationship, as I've mentioned before, that was my first thought. The true colors of that person was coming out. And I'm thinking, well, if I can do this, if I can change my behavior, meaning, if I can change to help them, you know, just to help them realize that I'm not the bad person. I'm not, you know, whatever they felt in their mind that I was.

00:01:30.360 But it was horrible. Yes. And then when I was going through a particular counseling, again, this was more secular counseling. They just said that you can't allow that to happen because when you're doing that, you're giving them control. Right. And the more control they have, the more they're going to keep getting on and on. And it just is, particularly when a person is very unhealthy in their behavior and whatever issues they are going through. Yeah, I totally agree with you. I mean, I learned just not to say anything in my life before.

00:01:59.820 And it was just, you know, the more that God said to me, I just pushed it down inside of me and didn't say anything back. And that's terrible. It was awful. But it's, you know, that was a way I thought maybe just by example, that somebody would change. That's a great way to put it. And it's the example. And unfortunately, again, we can't do that for the other person. We keep saying this over and over again.

00:02:29.100 So this is where boundaries and limits are so important. And with boundaries and limits, you have to be careful with that because the limits sometimes with the person that you're dealing with, you're just out of love say, "I can't do that at this time." But with boundaries, you do have to say, "No, I'm not going to tolerate that." You've gone beyond the boundaries of safe boundaries and your behavior. And when the other person is going through other issues like alcoholism, adultery, infidelity, probably a better word for that.

00:03:02.640 And then you have other areas that could be drug abuse, could be anything from reckless spending to pornography or any other host of issues. All kinds of shopping addictions, all kinds of things that people cope with. Right. So it's the emptiness inside that they're trying to deal with. They don't know how to do it.

00:03:26.400 But if you're in a position where you have somebody who's not trying to help themselves, as we mentioned, but they're also really inflicting harm and evil on you, you still have to put those boundaries in place. And that's part of the process of what we just talked about in the previous podcast of understanding what you have to do to make sure you're safe, make sure you have a plan in place. And again, it's not easy. If you're in that situation, you're just spiraling down in your emotions and you're doubting yourself.

00:03:58.140 And then your self-esteem goes down and you're doubting yourself saying, is it really me? That's why it's good to have a healthy and, you know, fellowship with, you know, like-minded people and people who are safe because you can run it by them and it may be you, but at least you're trying to find out. Yeah, you'll learn. And if it is you, then you'll know what you, you look at yourself and what you need to do to change. Exactly. But you could be, you know, you may, in a certain circumstance, be contributing to the other person's behavior.

00:04:30.420 Exactly. But again, it's just a matter of putting those boundaries in place. Yeah, and boundaries protect you. I mean, you know, I mean, just imagine if you went to the beach and there was no beach and the ocean was everywhere. There was no boundary. God created the boundaries for the oceans. And and so we have our skin is our boundary. And so, you know, one of the things when I was working with a lot of young girls who were dating and all, we were like, you know, look at the situation that you're in with your person that you're dating.

00:05:03.840 And if you don't want to get in a situation where you might go a little further along, then you're ready for or that is time for. Don't put yourself in a situation like that. Don't go to his place by yourself. Don't go. And I can speak from experience in this, you know? And so, you know, God gave us. Well, let's just go back to, OK, it's our human nature to want to change.

00:05:34.680 Right. And we want to help other people change too. And yes, it's our human nature to try to change people. That's a great point. That's that's what you meant. And that's true. Yeah. And we don't want to do that. Not at all. No. But we do try to. Sure. But it's only until after we're born again that we learn that we don't do that.

00:06:00.180 Now, if you know boundaries and if you can understand boundaries, then yeah, I think you can help yourself in that prior to being born again. I'm not saying you have to. But I think the empowerment and the strength and the understanding of your value and your worth come through that relationship with Christ and through the Holy Spirit to be able to keep your boundaries where they need to be. Right. And it's a work in progress.

00:06:30.240 Yes. I know it is for me, to be honest with you. I have to be honest. And again, it could be our temperance as well, where some people are more vulnerable than others to advancements. And some people are just not taken aback, but they're just not forceful enough to say no, because that's just the way they are. And unfortunately, when you have the two people that meet in that circumstance, a lot of times it doesn't end well in that particular circumstance.

00:07:01.020 You could have pregnancies, you can have so many other things that happen from there that are really unwanted. And unfortunately, because of our temperaments, and this isn't God's fault, this is just how we have to understand, and I think as being born again believers, we can rely on the Holy Spirit. We can rely on wisdom because he truly is our counselor. You know, he really is. He is. He's our strength and guide as well. Yeah So we have to lean into that.

00:07:29.820 But to start doing that, to lean into what he says, looking for his direction, not anybody else's. It's a work in progress, but it can happen and it does happen. And you can get, you know, from a trusted person, you can get advice, you can get counsel. But I I truly believe it and and this is what, you know, there are the Bereans who are always going back and checking what somebody's teaching.

00:07:54.900 And so I mean, you really do want to run through what someone is teaching you to run it through the Word of God and speak to the Holy Spirit about it in prayer. Is this what you want for me? That's one of the things when I was first born again. I was very fortunate. I had really good people around me who were like-minded believers and born-again believers. And that's one of the things that the first things I learned was, you know, because you have teachers and you have preachers and they're not teaching the true Word of God.

00:08:24.900 Right. And you have to run by the true Word of God. And so that's the renewing of your mind to be able to know what God says about it. And it makes it much easier. And when I say easier, it's because you're comparing it to and you say, "Well, that's not God's way." And we as born-again believers, you know we want to do the works that the Lord has put on our hearts because it's out of gratitude and just love for Him.

00:08:51.540 So we want to embody the fact that boundaries and limits are an important part of our life. And we have to maintain that. And again, it's a work in progress, but the Christian life is a walk daily. We get up, we put our feet on the floor, and then we just have conversation with God well today and renew our minds. And there's so much to learn. Yeah, there is.

00:09:18.720 You know, boundaries are, like you said, an everyday thing, and they're not just in marriage relationships, they're in all relationships. I mean, it could be as simple as somebody who calls you and you say, sure, I can talk. I have about five minutes. Right. And then they talk to you for 35 minutes without taking a breath. Yeah, I know. And in that case, your nature is to try to help them. But when they're doing that, that's creating frustration for you. Right. And it's creating anxiety for you.

00:09:48.300 And that's not the way God wants us to work. God wants us to be there for the person in love. And if you say, "I have five minutes to do it," or if you don't, just say, "Look, I'm sorry I can't do it now." Right. How about if we do it at, say, 5 o'clock tonight? Or how about if we do it first thing in the morning because I can't talk to you the way I'd love to talk to you right now and hear you and what you have to say. And you know for the most part, people would say, "Yeah, that makes sense. Well, you did that the other day with me. I was trying to ask you a question when you were in the middle of something." Yeah, yeah, exactly.

00:10:19.500 Exactly. I totally respected that. Oh, very much so. But you wouldn't, if I did it another way without explaining it, then you would, that's where the speculative imagination comes. Right. But you have to explain yourself as well. Right. And if the person doesn't agree with you or whatever, there's not much you can do about that. You want to portray what's on your heart, why you're doing it, what you're saying. And then the other person has the ability to understand that.

00:10:43.680 Yeah That frees you in relationship to be able to continue with a good relationship, to continue with that interpersonal relationship that God wants. Yeah. You know, so I think it's important for that. Yeah. Any thoughts and the boundaries? Well, I was thinking about one other situation that we were talking about earlier in the week about the situation where there was a person who was employed by someone and their friends came in to pick her up and the employer jumped to conclusion.

00:11:23.700 Speculative imagination. I didn't ask what was going on and started yelling at the young girl and let her know that she would no longer be there if that ever happened again. And the way that it was done was in a very demeaning, abusive lack of understanding, all of that. And so not that she did it the right way, you know, but the the young girl did not come back to work.

00:11:56.700 And so the way I look at that is that was her boundary. Right. Exactly. You know, you're not going to talk to me that way. I'm not going to put myself in the situation where you can do that for me again. Exactly. And we always have to remember, too, there are consequences for our actions. And the other person doesn't have to be there or doesn't have to come back into the relationship or reconcile in any way with you. So you have to remember that too as you're talking to people.

00:12:24.600 And if memory serves me correct, that person seems to have quite a few number of people come and go. Yes. So there's obviously some pattern, right? And it's a pattern of behavior is something that she has to deal with. And to be honest with you, that's sad because it sounds like the person that she was talking about seemed to be a good employee or wanted to be. Yeah And again, when people are this could happen in a relationship where your younger person is an older person, then you can really hurt somebody by doing that.

00:12:58.740 That's very sad. But that's important to remember that your consequences do have ramifications. Yeah, they do. Yeah. So anyway, I just think that as we go continue on with our podcast, we've gone through a lot over the last number of podcasts. I really want to just delve deeper into so many of the different emotions that we have to do. But these are very important facts. And I'm just hoping that you know as we talk about them, you'll understand more and more how important it is.

00:13:32.040 Again, all of this is available to us each and every day, and that's just the love of Christ. Yeah As born again believers, we can do that. And again, I want to keep emphasizing the point. When you're out there and you don't have the correct view of God, it can sound different when you're saying it, but there is a true and living God, as I said. We can go to every moment of every day for help. Yeah. And he's good. He's good. And he's good all the time. Very much so.

00:14:01.380 So if somebody's painted a different picture for you, it's not correct. It isn't. And again, I understand because I'm in there about the frustration, anger, and things, but he's always with us. He's a big guy. He's a big, big guy. Bigger than anything we go through. Absolutely. Any other thoughts? Yeah. Okay. Well, it was wonderful again to be able to sit with you. And we just hope that you have a wonderful week. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for joining us today. If you have questions for us, please email us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

00:14:33.720 We look forward to hearing from you. Have a blessed day.